Eurel(magic-esque RP)

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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:20 pm

Lord HoNk wrote:Is there an actual length to this RP or are you still planning on it? I'm really liking how it is so far!

I have a good idea of where it's going to go, but I'm not telling you. If I get a good idea that allows me to continue this after my ending, I will.

@Fonz: I need more on the appearance: what makes an average 16-year old?
Backstory's a bit weird(I mean swords in this day in America no less?) but fits the scene of the RP, so that's fine.
I'd like you to be more exact on your abilities: what do you mean "harness strength from the darkness"?

@Travis: This is better, but I'd like you to change a few things, namely that you shouldn't just insert things for the sake of inserting things. Maybe make them more memorable or make them matter more to him and it'll be more interesting to his personality.
Also, you need some sort of magic with your abilities.
It'll also be really great if you explained how he got this experimental knife.

@Arthur: This RP is set in the modern times, Arthur. The character is great, but you need to explain how he got to this dimension, why he wants to be on Earth and how Eurel will affect someone like him.

Also, give me more time to get some more stuff up.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Andrew on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:24 pm

Lord Fuse wrote: Rile then attempted to use his most powerful spell, which simply went by the name "Reset". The reset spell would take a person's memories and force them out, into a spirit of their own, as well as fling the person into another world. Upon attempting to cast the spell, a mage on the side of the heroes reflected the reset spell, sending Rile to the world he is currently in. Rile now walks this world as an outcast, albeit his personality has changed quite a bit for the better. His memories follow him around (And only Rile can see them), claiming to be a guiding light sent from above, and that Rile would walk a difficult path, needing guidance. However, the true intentions of the memories are to get Rile to find an object simply known as the Serpentine, allowing the memories to merge back into Rile, reverting him to his old self.

Essentially, he thinks he's "normal".

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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:28 pm

Lord Fuse wrote:
Lord Fuse wrote: Rile then attempted to use his most powerful spell, which simply went by the name "Reset". The reset spell would take a person's memories and force them out, into a spirit of their own, as well as fling the person into another world. Upon attempting to cast the spell, a mage on the side of the heroes reflected the reset spell, sending Rile to the world he is currently in. Rile now walks this world as an outcast, albeit his personality has changed quite a bit for the better. His memories follow him around (And only Rile can see them), claiming to be a guiding light sent from above, and that Rile would walk a difficult path, needing guidance. However, the true intentions of the memories are to get Rile to find an object simply known as the Serpentine, allowing the memories to merge back into Rile, reverting him to his old self.

Essentially, he thinks he's "normal".

Ah, OK then. For some reason I didn't see that, or it just slipped my mind.

I'll put your character in the OP now.

Also,
IF YOU FEEL I HAVE BEEN UNFAIR, DO NOT HESITATE TO STATE YOUR REASONING AND QUOTE FROM YOUR TEXT. I WILL LISTEN.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Andrew on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:33 pm

Thanks!

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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:39 pm

Hey Terra, is there anything I need to edit to my character? I got the feeling it isn't complete...
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:44 pm

Lord HoNk wrote:Hey Terra, is there anything I need to edit to my character? I got the feeling it isn't complete...

I don't really think it needs much, but if you want to make it excellent...

I would like a little more build-up to the part where the invaders attacked, maybe provide a little backstory to them. Maybe one of Shayla's best friends was part of the invading group? That would add some character into him to never trust anyone.

Maybe be a little more creative with the fire. Instead of just using it and controlling it, be more outgoing. I'm thinking flame wheels, fire disks to ride on, spontaneous combustion etc. etc.

Make his father and his bond closer in the backstory somehow. Maybe they do lots of stuff together?
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:46 pm

Ok I'll put that on notice (another sticky note)
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 11, 2013 10:57 pm

I listened to your ideas and came up with this:

Spoiler:
Name: Shayla Ashyoy
Gender: MALE
Age: 19
Appearance: Young man with Brown greasy hair, He wears a dress shirt (white) and dress pants (Black), he speaks in a southern accent, He is slightly over weight but not much, He has blue eyes, and a short nose.
Backstory(extremely important): He comes from a backwood cabin from the southern part of the country, He was raised by his parents; His dad was a farmer and ex-traveler, his mother owned a shop and ex-waitress. At a young age he was entrusted with his dad's old lucky knife, that he wears around his neck at all times. His dad would usually take him out on trips during the summer and spring, and every time it was something new for Shayla. It started out with classic hiking and fishing trips, then his dad started to get creative with his work. He eventually went hunting for fossils in an old mine, and trying to climb all the mountain. At age 14, Shayla was very respectful for his father, but his father then took a serious illness that crippled his legs so he couldn't do as much stuff anymore. One of Shayla's friends, Brett was sometimes with Shayla and his father during these adventures; had a bad past of thugs and goons they called themselves the "Bringers". Brett eventually quit the gang but still had that feeling to take things, once the gang found about Shayla's father and his adventures and the decided to take from them. They took 40 years of antiques found by Shayla's father. At age 15 his family was murdered by the very same invaders that took their stuff, but he wasn't home until it was to late. After this moment the "Bringers" had disappeared and hasn't been heard of for years. He now looks for the "Bringers" that killed his parents while trying to "Find true Adventure" as his father used to say before he passed on...
Abilities(or, rather, abilities you'll get):The power to light things on fire at will, and control the flame to wherever he wants. He [will] like to make shapes out of the fire and use it against targets. For example: He would usually make a picture of a pistol or shotgun shell and shoot it at what he was looking at. He also likes to write messages in the sky usually saying a riddle, that would tell of Shayla's mood at that time. He also uses it as a life force, A flame inside his heart keeps it beating. If it goes out he will die.
Weapon: His dad's old knife, Hunting rifle he found while looking through his mother's shop, and a 9mm pistol inside of his dad's safe.
Notes: He is now resting at an Inn waiting for another day to explore the country.
I'm sorry for not being original and using some ideas you came up with...
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Ragnarok on Fri Apr 12, 2013 3:46 am

Name: Hayato Seiji

~~~~~~

Gender: Male

~~~~~~

Age: 21

~~~~~~

Appearance:
He has straight, black hair, his fringe laying just above his blood-red eyes, with his hair reaching down to the collar of his void-black shirt, his top button unbuttoned. His black long-sleeved shirt has its sleeves rolled up. He has a very lean build, and the structure of his broad shoulders on his shirt suggests endless amounts of swimming. Along with his black shirt, he wears jet-black jeans, which only just touches the tongue of his goth black sneakers. He keeps his Ninja-Tos in oriental sheaths that are attached to the back of his shirt.

~~~~~~

Backstory(extremely important):
Hayato was born into a noble family in Japan, specifically Hokkaido. He was trained in the ways of Niten-Ichi-Ryu when he was 5 years old, and was also taught Shorin-Ryu karate. He was also enrolled in a private school, and by the age of 12 he had become a black belt in Shorin-Ryu, was at the top of his class and knew most of the ins-and-outs of Niten Ichi-Ryu.

But that all changed one faithful night. He was just 14. Paid samurai broke into his house in the midst of the night. Their only mission was to kill Hayato's father, as he had a debt he did not pay yet. The samurai made quick work of killing Hayato's father, but, shortly after the death of his father, were given new orders to exterminate everyone in that house.

Eavesdropping on this, Hayato ran through a secret exit out of the house, tears brimming to its full as he made his hasty escape, carrying nothing with him.

Running through the sorrowful rain, Hayato was breathing heavily, just trying to run away from the fate that took his parents from him. He reached the river at last, but at that time he was extremely hungry. A stranger in a black cloak, seeing his plight, offered him bread. Hayato was too enervated to not take up such an offer.

After Hayato finished eating, the stranger was about to leave. Hayato ran after him, anxious to find some way to exact revenge upon his enemies. The stranger, seeing his dedication, revealed himself to be a master of the ninja arts, and took Hayato under his tutelage.

7 years later-
Hayato has now implemented his Niten Ichi-Ryu skills into his dual-wielding Ninja-To skills. Even with his unexpected talent in the ninja arts, there was no mistaking his steely determination. He had managed to convince his master to allow him to use the Forbidden Artes, a series of moves that could kill, but also could kill its wielder.
Even so, there was a longing in his heart to go to Eurel, as he felt in his heart it would be where he could attain the power he needed for his revenge.
"Eurelは自由への鍵となります。"

~~~~~~

Abilities:
Passive:
Enhanced Agility, Reflexes, Instinct,Hand-Eye Coordination and Strength-
Hayato possesses enhanced agility. He can sprint at 12 metres per second. Hayato possesses superhuman reflexes and instinct. In fact, he can even cut a bullet in half, if it's speeding towards him. Hayato also possesses enhanced hand-eye coordination, meaning that his sword strikes are extremely accurate. Not only that, Hayato can lift things twice his weight. His sword strikes are quite powerful and fast as well.

Sneakiness(Not applicable during battle; only for spying)-
Hayato can sneak past people easily without them noticing.

Ninja-To mastery-
Mastery over the Ninja-To for both hands.

Niten Ichi-Ryu-
Dual-wielding.

Shorin-Ryu karate-
Martial arts. Hand to hand combat. Taijutsu. Because of this, Hayato is capable of backflips and stuff.

Active:
Cloak-
Turns Hayato invisible for, at max, 2 minutes. He can be attacked during this state. It has a cooldown of 5 minutes.

Forbidden Arte #1-
Instakills a target if they are within sword range. Hayato needs to be behind them to use this. NO COOLDOWN. Also, he will automatically go out of his cloak if the assassination is successful/unsuccessful. This is a forbidden arte which allows the swords to pierce the soul of the opponent, thus instakilling him/her.

Cloak 2-
Turns Hayato invisible and intangible for, at max, 15 seconds. He cannot be damaged during this state. It has a cooldown of 15 minutes.

Forbidden Arte #2-
Summons the Grim Reaper to reap the soul of a target. This takes 1/4 of Hayato's health, and has a cooldown of 1 hour.

~~~~~~

Weapon:
Dual Ninja-Tos.

~~~~~~

Notes:
You guys should write in paragraphs. Also, I'm not a bot. Because of Hayato's extraordinary abilities, he runs out of energy quite quickly in the heat of battle. That is why he needs to kill the enemy with haste.

P.S
This is a really short application. Sorry about that. Moar forbidden artes are to come soon.


Last edited by Ragnarok on Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:58 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Fri Apr 12, 2013 4:19 am

@The Guy: I'd like a little more on appearance, especially in regards to skin color/heritage etc.
I think you took me a little too literally. I would recommend you try to build it up in another manner, as I didn't quite feel the friendship between Brett and Shayla. If you truly want to make it effective, make them have a good friendship by doing lots of friendly things, then betray them.

Tell you what: I'll write something for ya.
When Shayla was just seven years old, he was attacked by a gang in school, jealous of his adventures. As he was beaten up, a savior came to his rescue, by the name of Brett.

And so on etc. etc.

@Ragnarok: It's going to take me a while to run through all of this and comment on your work, but I'll do it right now.
While your description is undoubtedly vivid, I find your character's description rather weird for this age and time. Won't a person keeping sheaths on the back of his shirt look weird at all?
I also find(and this is quite nitpicking but eh) that your character is wearing extremely dark clothing for his purpose and personality. Yes, I do get that he is a modern-day ninja, but really. Void-black shirt? I think that is a bit too much, especially since I get from your backstory that your character is scarred for life by his father's death. A shirt would not nearly be as appropriate as another article of clothing, namely a cloak or a hood.
Your backstory is a bit fluffy: I find that it can all be simplified to "oh his parents died". For some reason, I don't really feel much sympathy for him, which is obviously not good if you want to achieve the effect that he is mourning.
The story is also a bit coincidental: a stranger asking him to become a ninja? While yes, raw talent does allow someone to shine, one must not forget that this kind of character is very hate-able.
Sprinting at 12 metres per second is, in my opinion, superhuman. I have already stated in the OP that these are abilities you will get, rather than already being blessed with them and having powers.

At the moment, I have a lot more to write, but if you find this at all unfair, you can object.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Ragnarok on Fri Apr 12, 2013 4:42 am

Answers in bold.
While your description is undoubtedly vivid, I find your character's description rather weird for this age and time. Won't a person keeping sheaths on the back of his shirt look weird at all?

Ninja carry their swords on their backs. Don't get mixed up with the ninja and samurai thing. The samurai carry their swords on the sides of their waists, while ninjas carry them on their backs. Also, it may look weird in your opinion, but in mine, keeping sheaths on the back of his shirt looks pretty cool, actually.

I also find(and this is quite nitpicking but eh) that your character is wearing extremely dark clothing for his purpose and personality. Yes, I do get that he is a modern-day ninja, but really. Void-black shirt? I think that is a bit too much, especially since I get from your backstory that your character is scarred for life by his father's death. A shirt would not nearly be as appropriate as another article of clothing, namely a cloak or a hood.

Firstly, to blend in with the night, ninjas wear black clothing. Shirts, pants and shoes have to all be black. Also, he wears these in mourning of his parents deaths. And why would a cloak/hood be appropriate? Ninjas do not wear cloaks. Hoods do not compensate for shirts.

Your backstory is a bit fluffy: I find that it can all be simplified to "oh his parents died". For some reason, I don't really feel much sympathy for him, which is obviously not good if you want to achieve the effect that he is mourning.

You don't feel sympathy to him because he seeks vengeance. It's an acquired taste.

The story is also a bit coincidental: a stranger asking him to become a ninja? While yes, raw talent does allow someone to shine, one must not forget that this kind of character is very hate-able.

It's supposed to be coincidental. The other apps also have coincidental stuff happening to them as well.

Sprinting at 12 metres per second is, in my opinion, superhuman. I have already stated in the OP that these are abilities you will get, rather than already being blessed with them and having powers.

It is superhuman. I have stated that he has 'enhanced agility'. Also, perhaps he could unlock the Forbidden Artes throughout the story.

At the moment, I have a lot more to write, but if you find this at all unfair, you can object.

That sentence just makes me want to go to other RPs, but at the moment, this is the most interesting one. I feel that you are trying to act like you meant me no real harm by trying to cover it up by giving me this 'apology' of yours. But then again, this RP is the most interesting one. If you do decide to deny my application(because of my objections or my application), I will not hesitate to try and join another RP. However, using my application as a template, if you do deny my application, is unacceptable.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:02 pm

@Ragnarok: I'll respond to your statements one by one.
I mean it's weird in this modern day that someone would carry sheaths on his back. He'd look completely out of place.
Yes, the ninjas have to blend in with the night, but one part of me just thinks that you took this character from another RP and modified it slightly. Maybe change it to make him fit in more, and include that in the backstory.
Your third point is fair enough.
I'd rather you include something about his endless search for justice then becoming a ninja rather than it happening by pure chance. It helps build the character's personality.
Forbidden Artes eh. I think it's a little weird for the setting since the powers everyone else would be getting is more magicy.

At this point I'm torn whether I should accept you...
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by da rox on Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:50 pm

name: Jackson
gender: male
age:17
appearance: Jackson has long black hair,
has a ring on each hand both identical, wears a long sleeve brown shirt and black pants, has light green eyes,and is not the most handsome person but is a decent looking guy altogether, his muscle build is not all that great but is about the same as any other person,
back story: had an average life until he met a girl named Para.... he fell in love instantly but then one day all his happiness went away ... he was 16 and decided to take her out so he brings a ring with him *hints matching rings* when he found that she had disappeared... when asking around they told him that there were people asking about who his friends were and who his parents were.Jackson instantly came home finding that his parents had been killed.. he made two vows that day... one: to find the killers... and two: to find para at all costs.it dosent matter who they are.
abilities: he has no control over his anger when he gets in raged his hair turns white,and his eye color turns yellow with glowing tattoos on him.he sort of hulks out .... but without the muscle build what happens when he becomes enraged is 1.His voice is so shrill it can bust glass without trying 2.when the tattoos appear they act as body armor because they emanate extreme heat that can melt metal..."or most anyways" and last 3.he takes elemental control of the wind.
weapons: two engraved daggers
notes: he does not like to be messed with very much ever since his backstory incident he really became unstable.also when he was looking for her he became lost and came across a note saying *if you ever want to see her again......meet here and points at the main area the roleplay takes place at on a map.



is this good enough riku im trying not to stray to far from the actual character i made a while back...and also i fixed some of the grammar problems


Last edited by Roxas on Tue Apr 23, 2013 7:14 am; edited 4 times in total

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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Ragnarok on Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:06 pm

@Riku
He's a ninja. You only get to see him when he's your target, or when he's on a mission with you.

I did not take this character from another RP. I did everything in my app myself, with no help whatsoever. This is the first RP I've been to on this forum, and I'm too lazy to look at other RP apps when I want to make my own.

Yeah. I think he should try to endlessly search for justice. I'll edit that later.

Forbidden Artes are Forbidden Magic.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Führer Egg Roll on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:01 am

Riku, thought I might let you know: I edited the abilities on mine. Anything I need to work on? I'll gladly fix it!

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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:45 am

@Wicked: This needs a bit of work.
I think it's far too quick and is far too DTP(Dark and Tragic Past) without any explanation or prior buildup.
Abilities are not completed yet. You need to add some form of magic you wish to get in the future.
Crossbow, huh? I'd rather you keep two daggers.

@Ragnarok: Yeah, once you're done editing I'll accept you.

@Fonz: Allright, it's good enough. Though I wish you would add a bit more to appearance and make abilities a little clearer, it's fine.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:48 am

I did what you said and added a race, and a little more information on Brett's relationship...

Spoiler:
Name: Shayla Ashyoy
Gender: MALE
Age: 19
Appearance: Young man with Brown greasy hair, He wears a dress shirt (white) and dress pants (Black), he speaks in a southern accent, He is slightly over weight but not much, He has blue eyes, and a short nose. He comes from a Scottish (mom's side) and Irish (dad's side) inheritance... He can be very polite when he wants to be, but he is a little more strict the longer you know him...
Backstory(extremely important): He comes from a backwood cabin from the southern part of the country, He was raised by his parents; His dad was a farmer and ex-traveler, his mother owned a shop and ex-waitress. At a young age he was entrusted with his dad's old lucky knife, that he wears around his neck at all times. His dad would usually take him out on trips during the summer and spring, and every time it was something new for Shayla. It started out with classic hiking and fishing trips, then his dad started to get creative with his work. He eventually went hunting for fossils in an old mine, and trying to climb all the mountain. At age 14, Shayla was very respectful for his father, but his father then took a serious illness that crippled his legs so he couldn't do as much stuff anymore. One of Shayla's friends, Brett was sometimes with Shayla and his father during these adventures. Shayla met Brett ever since school, they would usually hang out after school, Shayla and Brett would also protect each other if one of them gets into a little trouble. Brett had a bad past of thugs and goons they called themselves the "Bringers". Brett eventually quit the gang but still had that feeling to take things, once the gang found about Shayla's father and his adventures and the decided to take from them. They took 40 years of antiques found by Shayla's father. At age 15 his family was murdered by the very same invaders that took their stuff, but he wasn't home until it was to late. After this moment the "Bringers" had disappeared and hasn't been heard of for years. He now looks for the "Bringers" that killed his parents while trying to "Find true Adventure" as his father used to say before he passed on...
Abilities(or, rather, abilities you'll get):The power to light things on fire at will, and control the flame to wherever he wants. He [will] like to make shapes out of the fire and use it against targets. For example: He would usually make a picture of a pistol or shotgun shell and shoot it at what he was looking at. He also likes to write messages in the sky usually saying a riddle, that would tell of Shayla's mood at that time. He also uses it as a life force, A flame inside his heart keeps it beating. If it goes out he will die.
Weapon: His dad's old knife, Hunting rifle he found while looking through his mother's shop, and a 9mm pistol inside of his dad's safe.
Notes: He is now resting at an Inn waiting for another day to explore the country.
I probably wont add more... I'm running out of ideas...
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:51 am

It's fine. Adding the updated one to the OP.

Here's a glimpse of what I'm writing.
~~~~
A soft wind blows across the town of Eurel as Cermandes looks to the sky.

Across the throne room are her people, all frozen, an unfortunate consequence of the spell she had placed to save Eurel.

Fear not, my people.
~~~~
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:52 am

Well did you plan out when the characters get into the mix? Other than that, it is looking REALLY good!
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Lowell on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:56 am

Yeah, don't worry. You'll be responsible for writing your opening posts, but I'll explain how you want to get to Eurel, so you'll have that under control.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:58 am

Riku wrote:Yeah, don't worry. You'll be responsible for writing your opening posts, but I'll explain how you want to get to Eurel, so you'll have that under control.
Alright, that should be easy enough considering I made a little start in my notes! Thank goodness for being prepared!
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by no mom its ironic on Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:59 am

I'm not prepared. Dang. I'm too lazy to prepare. Dang.

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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Ragnarok on Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:05 am

Edited my app. Don't worry guys. Moar forbidden artes are to come.
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by no mom its ironic on Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:18 am

I've got a drawing of Rhendett now. I'll put a link in the original app and in this post.

Unfortunately, her watch got a little cut off...



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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

Post by Guest on Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:20 am

Wow... I think that beat the fact of me being prepared for the story
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Re: Eurel(magic-esque RP)

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